Just Another OOTP Parody
by Nepenthe Jade
Summary: Pretty much the title. Now in spicy new chapter nine flavor!
1. Introduction

Hello, good people. I am Rose Mary. I'm a new author here, so be nice, okay?  
  
But anyway. I originally wrote these chapter parodies for my friends, but they encouraged me to share them so here I am!  
  
A couple of things before you start:  
  
1. Each chapter parody contains no spoilers for future chapters, so you can read a parody right after you read the corresponding chapter.  
  
2. I am a fan of RANDOM CAPITALIZATION, which I learned from The Ultimate Harry Potter Cliché Catalogue. (story id=921603)  
  
3. I am EXTREMELY RANDOM. Beware.  
  
4. One more thing: I frequently say words like erk (to express disdain) and wheesh (to express delight). They should be ignored.  
  
So without further ado:  
  
Just Another OOTP Parody 


	2. Chapter 1

In which we meet a very angry Hulk Harry, but think his Patronus is uber cool nonetheless...  
  
***  
  
DUDLEY-oh-so-DEMENTED  
  
Intro: PRIVET DRIVE  
  
(HARRY POTTER is lying in a FLOWERBED, therefore INSPIRING a fabulous CHAPTER ILLUSTRATION. It is HOT. Harry is SCRUFFY.)  
  
JKR HERSELF: I shall now spout a long explanation for Harry's strange location that good fans have already memorized.  
  
(A loud CRACK resounds through Privet Drive. Harry is STARTLED and nearly CRACKS HIS HEAD OPEN. Somewhere along the line he also pulls out his WAND.)  
  
UNCLE VERNON: GRARRNYAHMUHDUGRRR!!!  
  
(UNCLE VERNON is ANGRY.)  
  
HARRY: Gerroff!  
  
(HARRY is ANGRY, and the GENTLE READER [a la Miss Manners] had better get USED to it.)  
  
(UNCLE VERNON and HARRY STRUGGLE. Then Harry's UNCONTROLLABLE natural magic KICKS IN.)  
  
HARRY: Score!  
  
(HARRY, though he acts very SMART-ALECKY, manages to ESCAPE TROUBLE from his aunt and uncle. On the pretense of checking out the NOISE, HARRY goes to a nearby play park to BROOD.)  
  
HARRY: Oi. I'm the Boy who Lived and no one's telling me what's going on. They say they're worried the messages will be intercepted, but they probably just don't like me anymore. Therefore, they are all jerks. O woe.  
  
(He SULKS and becomes NOTICEABLY GREENER.)  
  
HARRY: Well look at that. It's Dudley an his gang, which in the past month has suddenly become a heck of a lot more sinister. They smoke now? I think I shall take out all of my bizarre anger on him, for he deserves it more than I. He is fat and stupid and I am the Boy who Lived.  
  
(The READERS consider this. It SOUNDS WRONG somehow, but they rule that it does make SENSE.)  
  
(HARRY ANNOYS DUDLEY, flexing his NEW POWER in being a wizard. As they wander through a conveniently DARK, GLOOMY, and ISOLATED ALLEY, a couple of dementors decide to JOIN THE PARTY. However, they are just DEPRESSING.)  
  
(At this point, the TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR INVOLUNTARILY GIGGLES. HULK HARRY and ICKLE DIDDYKINS decide to ignore this.)  
  
(TOTALLY VIOLATING the theory that the CLOSER a DEMENTOR is, the HARDER it is to CONJURE a PATRONUS, HARRY succeeds on his THIRD TRY by thinking of the TWO PEOPLE he is supposed to be currently HATING. He saves POPKIN from the dementor, therefore PROVING that while 30 SECONDS EARLIER he was being a terrible GIT, he is still noble HARRY POTTER. The GENTLE READERS are starting to feel like SNAPE in regard to HULK HARRY.)  
  
(At this point, the EXTREMELY BATTY Mrs. Figg shows up and proves herself to be FAMILIAR with the WIZARDING WORLD. None of the LOYAL FANS are surprised, as there was a CLUE to this at the END of BOOK FOUR. The chapter CLOSES with what is SUPPOSED to be a cliffhanger but for most people ISN'T.)  
  
***  
  
Whoa, I seriously was not intending to make that that long. Still, it was rather good, don't you think?  
  
I am finding it slightly difficult to stop capitalizing random words. Erk.  
  
6/26/03 - Whoa. I got reviewers! Amazing. Sorry about the original icky formatting of this chapter, it should be fixed now. I have the first four chapters to this written, I'll try to get the other three up today. I've also started the fifth chapter. 


	3. Chapter 2

In which Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, Dudley, and - surprise, surprise - Harry are all very ticked off.  
  
With MORE RANDOM CAPITALIZATION!!!  
  
***  
  
Peter-Piper-Picked-A PECK OF OWLS  
  
Intro: STILL PRIVET DRIVE  
  
(MRS. FIGG is still BATTY. HARRY is still mostly ANGRY. DUDLEY is still VERY FAT and STUPID.)  
  
MRS. FIGG: Come on, Harry, let's haul off to your aunt and uncle's house, where I will leave you alone to explain to your furious, biased relatives why their son is half dead!  
  
(MRS. FIGG smiles ENCOURAGINGLY. HARRY picks up DUDLEY. DUDLEY is FAT.)  
  
HARRY: Erk, Dudley, help me out here!  
  
(Not only is DUDLEY FAT, he is also STUPID. Therefore, he says NOTHING and does not HELP.)  
  
MUNDUNGUS FLETCHER: Hey, guys, what's up? You won't believe the deal on cauldrons I just got! Hey, what's up with the whale-kid there?  
  
MRS. FIGG: GRARRNYAHMUHDUGRRR!!!  
  
HARRY: Whoa, no wonder I'm so Hulk-y. Everyone around me is a bit grumpy too!  
  
MRS. FIGG: By the way, Harry, Dumbledore's been having you followed!  
  
(HARRY starts feeling GREEN again.)  
  
HARRY: GRARRNYAHMUHDUGRRR!!!  
  
MRS. FIGG: Ta-ta Harry!  
  
HARRY: What?  
  
(HARRY and DUDLEY enter NUMBER FOUR.)  
  
HARRY: Good evening Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia! What are you doing cooped up in the house? It's lovely outside!  
  
(DUDLEY PUKES.)  
  
HARRY: Eeeewww!!  
  
(AUNT PETUNIA spouts several of DUDLEY'S PET NAMES, as if this display is ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE.)  
  
UNCLE VERNON: GRARRNYAHMUHDUGRRR!!!  
  
(HARRY sincerely wishes the TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR would STOP using that phrase. It has LOST ALL HUMOR.)  
  
OWL #1: Harry, you're expelled!  
  
(HARRY is SHOCKED.)  
  
OWL #2: Harry, don't obey law enforcement!  
  
HARRY: At last!  
  
OWL #3: Harry, you're not expelled!  
  
(HARRY is SLIGHTLY CHEERED and not quite as ANGRY.)  
  
OWL #4: Harry, imprison yourself in the house!  
  
(HARRY is back at MAXIMUM ANGER CAPACITY.)  
  
UNCLE VERNON: OOGA-BOOGA!! OWLS ARE THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE! I SHALL NOW ATTEMPT TO FRUITLESSLY THROW YOU OUT OF MY HOUSE, BUT NOT BEFORE I RECAP ALL THE ICKY STUFF YOU'VE DONE SINCE YOU CAME TO LIVE HERE SO THAT THE LESS LOYAL FANS ARE NOT LEFT IN THE DARK!  
  
(UNCLE VERNON runs out of BREATH.)  
  
HOWLER: Yay, I get to advance the plot! *insert spooky, short, and mysterious message here*  
  
AUNT PETUNIA: Sorry, Vernon, no can do.  
  
UNCLE VERNON: *whiney* But Petunia!  
  
AUNT PETUNIA: Nope.  
  
(UNCLE VERNON is GRUMPY and PURPLE-FACED.)  
  
UNCLE VERNON: Fine! Harry, go to bed.  
  
HARRY: *whiney, and, of course, angry* But Uncle Vernon!  
  
(HARRY gets GREENER. UNCLE VERNON gets PURPLER.)  
  
UNCLE VERNON: Go! 


	4. Chapter 3

In which everyone is super, uber cool except Harry, who is angry.  
  
***  
  
THE ADVANCE GUARD, aka a group of all the uber cool people in the book except for Ginny and Sirius!  
  
Intro: JOE'S CRAB SHACK...errr, NUMBER FOUR PRIVET DRIVE  
  
(HARRY is BROODING and ANGRY. He writes BROODING and ANGRY NOTES to all his FRIENDS who apparently don't LIKE HIM ANYMORE.)  
  
HARRY: Ooga-booga! Where's Hedwig?!  
  
(HEDWIG flies in. HARRY snarls at her and immediately SENDS HER AWAY again. He is VERY ANGRY and GREENER THAN SLYTHERIN.)  
  
HARRY: Grrr...stupid Dumbledore...stupid bird...stupid aunt...stupid uncle...stupid friends...stupid Fletcher...stupid Voldemort...stupid dementors...  
  
(HARRY continues in this vein, ACCIDENTALLY RENAMING several people.)  
  
UNCLE VERNON: Ta-ta, Harry!  
  
HARRY: Why do people keep doing that?!  
  
(HARRY is ANNOYED, which is another way of saying ANGRIER. There is a LOUD CRASH downstairs. HARRY is STARTLED, but does NOT crack his head open this time.)  
  
HARRY: Whozat?!  
  
LUPIN: (Note from the Twisted Parody Author: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) It's okay Harry. We are the party of uber cool people. The gang's all here! There's me, 'nuff said, Mad-Eye Moody, who's gotten even more deliciously paranoid since he was locked in a trunk for eight months, the new, awesome Tonks, who totally abuses her ability to change her appearance, Kingsley Shacklebolt, who is at least as cool as any of the black bald dudes in the movies, further emphasized by his cool golden earring, and a bunch of other people we don't really hear about but can safely assume are uber cool anyway. Peace out!  
  
(LUPIN is having trouble recovering from his OUT-OF-CHARACTER DIALOGUE.)  
  
HARRY: Oh.  
  
(HARRY is DIZZY. The people downstairs, especially LUPIN, are UBER COOL.)  
  
UBER COOL PEOPLE: C'mon Harry, let's go down to the kitchen!  
  
HARRY: Okay.  
  
(The UBER COOL PEOPLE engage in funny banter, particularly MOODY and TONKS. The GENTLE READERS are DYING to HUG any and all of them. They are UBER COOL.)  
  
TONKS: C'mon Harry, let's go pack!  
  
HARRY: Okay.  
  
(TONKS helps HARRY pack.)  
  
TONKS: Harry, I'm an Auror! And I have this cool, rare ability!  
  
(The GENTLE READERS BOW DOWN to TONKS.)   
  
HARRY: Oh. Me, too?  
  
TONKS: Nope. Maybe if you weren't always so angry, you'd be uber cool enough!  
  
HARRY: That make Harry angry! Grrr!!!  
  
(He becomes GREEN. The GENTLE READERS are all EXTREMELY TIRED of HULK HARRY, and wish the TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR would retire that joke.)  
  
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: NEVER!  
  
HARRY: Huh?  
  
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: Oh, uh, nothing.  
  
(The TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR BOWS DOWN to TONKS before EVACUATING her parody.)  
  
LUPIN: C'mon Harry, let's fly!  
  
HARRY: Where to?  
  
MOODY: Nyah, nyah, not telling!  
  
HARRY: Grr...  
  
MOODY: Anyway, if we all die on this flight except for you, keep going Harry; don't stop.  
  
(The GENTLE READERS are HORRIFIED.)  
  
GENTLE READERS: JKR wouldn't kill off all the uber cool people, would she? At least not at once?  
  
(The GENTLE READERS VOW to BOYCOTT HP if JKR kills off LUPIN/TONKS/MOODY, even though they are NOT PHYSICALLY ABLE to boycott ANYTHING THAT SAYS "HARRY POTTER." The UBER COOL PEOPLE and HARRY TAKE FLIGHT. They are COLD. MOODY is PARANOID. They land, and he gives HARRY a NOTE, of which we ALL KNOW the CONTENTS.)  
  
HARRY: Oh.  
  
TONKS: Lucy, I'm ho-ome!  
  
(Most of the UBER COOL PEOPLE and HARRY think she is CRAZY. They are COOL WITH THAT.)  
  
***  
  
Whee! I like my ending, and also my little cameo in Harry's bedroom. I truly do love every single one of the characters in this chapter, yes, even Harry. But he is so vulnerable to my teasings, set off by every little thing. Harry constantly saying "oh" and "okay" to the weird stuff people tell him is stolen from Squeaky's Crudely Drawn HP Stick Figures (http://www.geocities.com/gatty_squeaks/sfindex.html), which should be checked out by anyone who had enough time to waste reading my own humble parody. 


	5. Chapter 4

In which Harry is grumpy and the gentle readers receive the supposedly shocking revelation that Sirius has a mum.  
  
***  
  
NUMBER TWELVE, GRIMMAULD PLACE, detectable to all dark wizards aware that 12 comes between 11 and 13  
  
Intro: READ THE LINE BEFORE THIS, IDIOTS!  
  
HARRY: Well, lookee that, that house just showed up right there when I thought about the number twelve!  
  
LUPIN, MOODY, AND OTHER VARIOUS COOL PEOPLE: Harry, do shut up.  
  
HERMIONE AND RON: Hi Harry!  
  
(ALL of the RON/HERMIONE SHIPPERS CHEER)  
  
HARRY: Grr...  
  
HERMIONE: Oh, Harry, please don't be angry with us.  
  
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: Oh, you are WAY too late for that. You should have tried it three weeks ago, before he became the Hulk!  
  
HERMIONE: Huh?  
  
RON: Huh?  
  
HARRY: You again!  
  
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: Oops, too absorbed again. Ron/Hermione forever!  
  
(The TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR leaves. RON and HERMIONE are confused, but DO NOT HOOK UP. 80% of the GENTLE READERS are DISAPPOINTED. ANOTHER 10% are disappointed HERMIONE does not immediately go for HARRY. The REMAINING 10% wish HERMIONE would HURRY UP and OWL DRACO. .0439762% WEDGED IN there somewhere WONDER WHY HERMIONE hasn't mentioned SNAPE yet. ALL OTHER GENTLE READERS are MILDLY DISGUSTED.)  
  
RON: Uh, so, uh, what's up Harry?  
  
(HARRY looks ANGRY. Only the MORON portion of the GENTLE READERS is surprised. HERMIONE does a QUICK RECAP of the PLOT for the AFOREMENTIONED MORONS. EVERYONE ELSE, including the characters, is SLIGHTLY BORED.)  
  
RON: Your owl tried to kill us, Harry!  
  
HARRY: Oh.  
  
(HARRY feels STANGELY SATISFIED. 99.7632501% of the GENTLE READERS are reminded that they are FED UP WITH HIM right now.)  
  
HERMIONE AND RON: Sorry about the slow news Harry, the greatest sorcerer in the world made us promise not to risk telling you anything in case the owls were intercepted.  
  
(ALL of HARRY'S RATIONALE has ABANDONED him. He HOLLERS at HIS TWO BEST FRIENDS.)  
  
HARRY: GRARRNYAHMUHDUGRRR!!!  
  
GENTLE READERS: Oh great, we thought the Twisted Parody Author had gotten over that phrase!  
  
(The TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR resists the URGE to make ANOTHER APPEARANCE in the STORY.)  
  
HARRY: So anyway guys, what's up with Voldie?  
  
(In HARRY'S world, his friends could never be MAD AT HIM for SCREAMING AT THEM. The BOOKS are set in HARRY'S WORLD, so they are NOT. FRED, GEORGE, and GINNY show up, summoned by HARRY'S screaming, but NEGLECT to COMMENT on it.)  
  
VARIOUS WEASLEYS AND HERMIONE: Oh, you know, this and that.  
  
(They TALK for a while about THIS and THAT.)  
  
HARRY: Oh.  
  
VARIOUS WEASLEYS: Oh, and Percy betrayed his own family for the Ministry and moved out.  
  
HARRY: Oh.  
  
HERMIONE: Harry, the Daily Prophet has started a daily column to ridicule you!  
  
HARRY: Oh.  
  
(HARRY turns LIGHT GREEN. Not even the MORON GENTLE READERS are surprised.)  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: Come to dinner, children!  
  
THE TRIO AND GINNY: Okay.  
  
(HERMIONE and RON BICKER. The RON/HERMIONE SHIPPERS are convinced this is a STRANGE DISPLAY of AFFECTION. EVERYONE ELSE ROLLS their EYES. TONKS is CONVENIENTLY about to AROUSE a FUNKY PORTRAIT, which BEGINS TO HOLLER in a fashion SIMILAR TO HARRY'S.)  
  
SIRIUS: Meet my mum, Harry!  
  
HARRY: Wait a second, that's the chapter's cliffhanger ending? What's there to be shocked about?  
  
SIRIUS: Just say something, Harry!  
  
HARRY: You have a mum, Sirius?  
  
SIRIUS: Try again.  
  
HARRY: Your mum is ugly, Sirius?  
  
SIRIUS: I'll pretend I didn't hear that, for both my and my mother's sakes.  
  
HARRY: Your mum isn't fond of you, Sirius?  
  
SIRIUS: Well, there has to be some explanation for why I'm a crazy madman. Oh well, good enough.  
  
***  
  
Not much to say here. Yes, I do ship Ron/Hermione, as well as Harry/Ginny, though I'm starting to swing toward Harry/Cho. 


	6. Chapter 5

In which Harry is very dull and not really angry. He eats dinner and finally gets to hear what's been going on. Yup.  
  
Goood morning, campers! (And a cookie to anyone who can tell me what movie that's from.) This is the first chapter I've written since finishing the book and finding out who dies. It is also the first chapter I've written with not only the friends I send this to in mind, but the people here on fanfiction.net too. I shall try to not let either of these factors taint my writing.  
  
***  
  
THE odor OF THE moldy PHOENIX headquarters  
  
Intro: Yada yada, yakkity yak, read the above line.  
  
SIRIUS: Yup, Harry, that's my mum.  
  
HARRY: Uh, Sirius, we dealt with that in the last parody.  
  
SIRIUS: Oops, sorry Harry, transfer shock.  
  
HARRY: Don't worry about it. It was a lousy parody before you got here.  
  
SIRIUS: So anyway Harry, all the purebloods are interrelated and most of them are evil. The ones that aren't are kicked out of the family.  
  
(HARRY is CONFUSED.)  
  
HARRY: So are you kicked out or not? Cos you don't like your family, but you're an escaped convict.  
  
SIRIUS: Uh, I 'm kicked out.  
  
HARRY: Oh. Should I say sorry?  
  
SIRIUS: The script doesn't say anything about you being apologetic. I think you're still a little angry.  
  
HARRY: Go figure.  
  
(They go downstairs to the KITCHEN. It is occupied by MISCELLANEOUS WEASLEYS, TONKS, and MUNDUNGUS. MRS. WEASLEY expresses her DISLIKE of the last. MORE WEASLEYS arrive. They EAT DINNER. The GENTLE READERS are slightly bored, but COMFORTED by TONKS'S ABUSE of her extremely RARE POWERS. FINALLY things get INTERESTING as the never-failing SIRIUS ADVANCES THE PLOT.)  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: Sirius, Harry is a sweet little boy who has only defeated You-Know-Who two, three, FOUR times. He's not ready to know what's going on!  
  
SIRIUS: Nonsense. Anyway, I like him more than you so I have the right to decide.  
  
(They BICKER back and forth. Finally LUPIN steps in and SOUNDS NEUTRAL but really ALLIES WITH SIRIUS.)  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: Fine, everybody else, OUT!  
  
MUNDUNGUS: I'm a member of the Order!  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: Shut up, you have mysteriously disappeared from this scene!  
  
FRED AND GEORGE: We're of age!  
  
RON AND HERMIONE: We'll find out anyway!  
  
GINNY: I'm uber cool!  
  
(In the end, only GINNY has to leave. The GENTLE READERS have the impression that DUMBLEDORE isn't the only one LOSING POWER these days. The ADULTS repeat VARIOUS TIDBITS that we already heard from FRED and GEORGE, but in a different order so it sounds like NEW MATERIAL and the GENTLE READERS are not BORED. This attempt FAILS MISERABLY. FINALLY, SIRIUS, once again proves himself ENDLESSLY COOL.)  
  
SIRIUS: So anyway Harry, Voldemort's after a secret weapon!  
  
GENTLE READERS: How original.  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: SIRIUS! Go to bed, everyone! And don't ever discuss this again!  
  
(The GENTLE READERS wonder if she actually thinks she has any chance of SUCCESS.)  
  
***  
  
This wasn't such a great chapter, and it was short. Sorry. Still a little depressed over the death, as it was one of the few characters I would be truly heartbroken to lose. And there wasn't a whole lot to make fun of. I did my best with the Molly/Sirius tension. I also noticed that Mundungus did indeed mysteriously disappear halfway through, heh heh. Correct me if he didn't. 


	7. Chapter 6

In which Kreacher is crankier than Harry and the story remains dull as the characters clean house.  
  
I am up to a grand total of three reviews. One of them asked me to make the chapters longer, so I did my best here and tried not glaze over stuff as much. There wasn't a whole lot to make fun of in this chapter.  
  
***  
  
THE NOBLE AND MOST filthy HOUSE OF BLACK, and we're not just talking about mold here...  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: Go to bed!  
  
RON: She has GOT to be crazy. I haven't gone to sleep until HOURS after this since Gred and Forge earned to Lapparate.  
  
HARRY: What?  
  
RON: Umm...so what did you think?  
  
HARRY: I think that Voldemort has decided we're not going to rent a beach house together after all.  
  
RON: *panicky* That doesn't make you angry, does it?  
  
HARRY: Nah. We couldn't find a house with a hot tub anyway.  
  
(The TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR would like to express her REGRET that the GENTLE READERS had to read that.)  
  
FRED AND GEORGE: Hi guys!  
  
HARRY: Erk. How the heck did you pass your Apparation test?  
  
FRED AND GEORGE: ......  
  
HARRY: Nevermind!  
  
RON: So what do you think THE WEAPON is?  
  
FRED AND GEORGE: It could be something that mass kills...  
  
RON: Or tortures!  
  
HARRY: What tortures worse than the Cruciatus Curse?  
  
RON: You don't live with Fred and George, do you Harry?  
  
HARRY: Ron, that's right up there with the "You're a girl, Hermione!" statement.  
  
FRED AND GEORGE: So where could it be?  
  
RON: Probably Hogwarts.  
  
(They ALL AGREE that the weapon is at HOGWARTS and NEVER discuss its location AGAIN until they discover where it REALLY is.)  
  
FRED AND GEORGE: Oops, here comes Mum, got to run!  
  
(They LEAVE.)  
  
RON: Mum doesn't trust us at all.  
  
HARRY: Imagine that!  
  
(HARRY falls asleep and has a FUNKY DREAM. DEVOUT FANS scour it for clues. Upon finishing the book they are irritated to find it is COMPLETELY DEVOID of them. [The dream, not the whole book.])  
  
FRED AND GEORGE: Morning Harry!  
  
HARRY: Ugh, do you EVER stay put in your room?  
  
FRED AND GEORGE: Let's do some CLEANING! There are doxies and puffskeins downstairs!  
  
(The DEVOUT FANS leave their books to EXAMINE "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them" for hints.)  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: Got to hurry! The doxies are in league with You-Know-Who!  
  
EVERYONE ELSE: THEY ARE?  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: Actually, no, but we needed some drama in this stagnant part of the story.  
  
(They SPRAY DOXIES all morning. FRED and GEORGE discuss their latest ENTREPRENEURIAL DOINGS. They all EAT LUNCH. They CLEAN SOME MORE. MRS. WEASLEY screams at MUNDUNGUS. Some of the GENTLE READERS are starting to think she could give HULK HARRY a run for his money.)  
  
KREACHER: Oh, look, it's the blood traitors, the mudblood, and a boy my master likes so he must be icky too. Shoot, that bucket is half empty of doxy eggs.  
  
HARRY: I'd say it's half full.  
  
(KREACHER looks MUTINOUS.)  
  
SIRIUS: How's it goin'? Beat it, Kreacher.  
  
KREACHER: Of course, Master, ungrateful little swine.  
  
(KREACHER EXITS.)  
  
HERMIONE: You should really be nicer to Kreacher, Sirius.  
  
SIRIUS: Yes, and every spring I should bring my mother the year's first daffodils. She's be thrilled, I'm sure.  
  
(As usual, EVERYONE ignores HERMIONE'S SUPERIOR WISDOM.)  
  
SIRIUS: Check it out Harry, a complete family tree of all the bloodthirsty purebloods that goes back centuries! Why, I remember when I was a little kid, I once sat and played, alone, next to this tapestry. Next thing I knew mum swooped down on me, took me down to a basement closet, beat me, and left me there for three days.  
  
HARRY: Sirius, the script says to reminisce and tell a cheerful story from your childhood relating to the tapestry.  
  
SIRIUS: What wasn't cheerful about that?  
  
HARRY: Um...nothing...  
  
SIRIUS: Anyway, I'm related to half the people you know! Cool, huh?  
  
HARRY: If you say so.  
  
GENTLE READERS: It doesn't leave him many shipping options.  
  
(The DEVOUT FANS say nothing. They are busy making their OWN Black family trees based on this info, so they can be REFERRED TO for clues.)  
  
HARRY: So can I come and live here if they chuck me out of school?  
  
SIRIUS: We'll see, Harry.  
  
(Only HERMIONE will EVER understand why he didn't just AGREE.)  
  
HARRY: What about your pop, Sirius?  
  
SIRIUS: Though not as much as my mum, Kreacher's fond of him, too...  
  
(The GENTLE READERS are suddenly ATTACKED with the AWFUL IMAGE of an old house elf enthusiastically KISSING an old pair of TROUSERS. They are SCARRED FOR LIFE.)  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: Your trial's tomorrow, Harry.  
  
HARRY: Yay!  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: For goodness sake, read your script occasionally!  
  
HARRY: Sorry. Oh drat. I hope Hogwarts doesn't chuck me out because then the rest of the series would feature my life with the Dursleys, and there are only so many humorless jokes you can crack about Dudley.  
  
SIRIUS: By the way Harry, Dumbledore came by last night when you were asleep.  
  
HARRY: Grr...  
  
SIRIUS: *fondly* That's the Harry we know and tolerate!  
  
*BONUS!*  
  
Intro: A dark cave next door to Osama bin Laden  
  
WORMTAIL: What shall we do tonight, my Lord?  
  
VOLDIE: What we do every night, Wormtail...TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!  
  
WORMTAIL: Narf!  
  
***  
  
A cookie to anyone who can tell me what the last bit was from...  
  
Thank you to my reviewers! I loff you all! I guarantee at least one new chapter tomorrow, 6/27/03! 


	8. Chapter 7

In which there is little action and a lot of description, which is code for FORESHADOWING LIKE MAD.  
  
I'll spend some quality time with my readers at the end of this chapter.  
  
***  
  
THE MINISTRY OF MAGICal time killing  
  
Int: OotP HQ  
  
(It is the MORNING of the TRIAL. HARRY is DEPRESSED. He goes down to the KITCHEN, where he discovers that everybody relevant is AWAKE cos the WORLD REVOLVES AROUND HIM.)  
  
HARRY: So in what whimsical fashion will I be traveling today?  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: If we told you about it now the next several pages describing it would be dull.  
  
(EVERYONE ELSE chats OPENLY and COMFORTABLY about GUARD DUTY. HARRY ADAMANTLY REFUSES to recognize FORESHADOWING. If HERMIONE were aware, she would be ANNOYED.)  
  
MR. WEASLEY: Chop chop, Harry! Let's go!  
  
HARRY: Huh?   
  
(AS USUAL, something has HAPPENED before HARRY can COMPREHEND IT.)  
  
MR. WEASLEY: Aww look at the cute Muggles!  
  
HARRY: Whatsis?  
  
VOICE-OVER CHICK: Welcome to the Ministry of Magic.  
  
HARRY: What?!  
  
GUARD DUDE: Wand.  
  
HARRY: Sure, take it!  
  
(The GUARD does some FUNKY STUFF with HARRY'S WAND. NONE of the GENTLE READERS have any clue how this is USEFUL to the PLOT or the MINISTRY OF MAGIC.)  
  
HARRY: Whoa, this cool fountain radiates foreshadowing vibes like mad!  
  
MR. WEASLEY: Come on Harry! Can't let the shallow readers notice!  
  
GUARD: Hey, that's Harry Potter!  
  
GENTLE READERS: Great job, Einstein. We thought you might not pick that up as he's only in the cover and title of the book.  
  
HARRY: Wow, even the elevator is whimsical! Hey, what's with all the paper airplanes?  
  
MR. WEASLEY: Those are, uh, interdepartmental memos. Yeah, that's right, memos.  
  
HARRY: Does this mean we get to witness another exciting magical game played in the air?  
  
MR. WEASLEY: Harry, this book is 870 freakin' pages long. That would take another 100. What do you think?  
  
HARRY: Nevermind!  
  
VOICE-OVER CHICK: Foreshadowing, anyone? Should we underline the words "Department of Mysteries" for you?  
  
HARRY: ...  
  
VOICE-OVER CHICK: Shabbiest floor in the building. Incorporating the offices for poor people who are either untalented or disgraced. !  
  
MR. WEASLEY: That's our stop, Harry!  
  
HARRY: Wow! How in-character!  
  
MR. WEASLEY: Let's go to the auror offices to tell Kingsley about Molly's meatballs, so that you can see what the place is like and cultivate a strong desire to work there which will, of course, be satisfied when you are eighteen!  
  
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR, while Mr. Weasley is catching his breath: It's the ciiiiiiiiiiircle of liiiife!!  
  
HARRY: Do shut up.  
  
(They enter the AUROR OFFICES.)  
  
HARRY: You'd think that with all the magic and stuff, this place could do a little better than cubicles. Still, it's the bomb!  
  
MR. WEASLEY: Good boy Harry. Oh, hello, what's-your-name - Kingsley!  
  
HARRY: Oh, HI, Mr. -  
  
(MR. WEASLEY STOMPS on HARRY's FOOT. The GENTLE READERS are GRIMLY SATISFIED.)  
  
MR. WEASLEY, whispering: Okay, I was sent with some intelligence. What was it again? Oh yeah. Home made meatballs. Eight o'clock, HQ. Be there, or be square. Got it?  
  
KINGSLEY: Got it. Look, it's the gallery of your godfather, Harry! Ooh, alliteration, I love it when I do that!  
  
MR. WEASLEY: Okay, Harry, off to my crummy office!  
  
HARRY: Right.  
  
MR. WEASLEY: Here we are!  
  
HARRY: Please, don't start that again. Hey, I wonder if Percy is in this photo of the perpetually happy Weasley family! WHOA, he's NOT!  
  
(MR. WEASLEY MOANS.)  
  
MR. WEASLEY: Want some insight into my hilariously meaningless job?  
  
HARRY: Um...yeah?  
  
MR. WEASLEY: Let's start with my adorable affection for "pumbles"...aww, phooey, Perkins has spoiled our fun!  
  
(HARRY quickly BACKS AWAY from a dude who is JUST AS SHABBY/SHABBIER than the office.)  
  
He who is called PERKINS: Homies! The power-abusive Wizengamot has - let me underscore this - verrry unpredictably screwed up the kid's trial!  
  
(HARRY is TICKED at being called a KID. The GENTLE READERS groan in UNISON.)  
  
PERKINS: It has now been relocated to the most distant, intimidating, frightening courtroom as possible! Ta-ta!  
  
HARRY: Oh man, does this mean another whimsical elevator ride?  
  
MR. WEASLEY: Yup. Except now it will be grimmer because we actually want to be where we're going as soon as possible.  
  
HARRY: We do?  
  
MR. WEASLEY, put out: Yes.  
  
HARRY: Well, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR? Let's go!  
  
HARRY: Here we are!  
  
MR. WEASLEY: Huh? Well that was a cruel turn of events. Let me reclaim my dignity by abruptly tossing you into the courtroom!  
  
HARRY: You do that.  
  
(HARRY checks his SCRIPT.)  
  
HARRY: Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be "feigning nervousness." Oops!  
  
(HARRY BLINKS.)  
  
HARRY: Oh no! I sure hope they don't throw me out of Hogwarts like they have nearly done on countless occasions! We have two books and seven hundred thirty-four pages to go!  
  
GENTLE READERS: Yeah, and a description of you and Sirius eating rats would only fill up around three hundred...  
  
***  
  
Okay, peoples, I would like to start by apologizing. Come on, it was summer! Very unscheduled. However, methinks I shall designate Friday the update day of the week, and I'll try to upload a new chapter every Friday. Now, reviewer responses! Yes, I shall reply to you all! Or at least those of you who merited a response...  
  
No one got a cookie. It was a "Welcome Back, Kotter" reference.  
  
...  
  
Okay, sorry. Couldn't resist. Yes, it was Pinky and the Brain. Cookies go to Noriko M. Chijinu, Sammi, soupie, Cassiel Allele Lupin, Elyse3, Kitty, Maggie, ILoveVeggieTales, radiogrrl, Moon*wolf2, and Black Rebel Motor Cycle. Several dozen cookies go to Noriko M. Chijinu and SpoonSockSpork12 (say that three times fast), whom were actually brave/foolish enough to review twice!  
  
Nobody recognized my other cookie possibility. That was from the movie Groundhog Day. I'm serious this time. Perhaps I misquoted?  
  
Mary Sue Assassin - Thanks for the CC. I've tried to make the chapters longer. But that came naturally, too, as I warmed up to the topic.  
  
Elven Kyttin - I guess I should thank you for the CC too, even though you only read my first, and, logically, worst chapter.  
  
Sammi - I totally agree. And Remus is my favorite character of them ALL! =)  
  
Life'sBlood - The Cliche Catalogue is on my favorite stories list.  
  
Elyse3 - Yeah, I knew Hulk Harry was getting repetetive. I don't think I used him in this chapter. He'll probably just have occasional cameo appearances from here on out. That's sort of how it is in the book, anyway.  
  
Lauren - You are one krazy kat. ;-p Have you been hanging out with Moonwave?  
  
SpoonSockSpork12 - You are the bomb.  
  
Princess-Perfect - Oooh, great idea! o.O I'll have to try to do that.  
  
Okay, I have to go to bed. Thank you to all the reviewers! I had a witty statement about you five minutes ago, but now I've forgotten it... 


	9. Chapter 8

In which the Wizengamot smacks around Harry, and no one can pronounce Wizengamot. See if you can find some placed advertising! We'll make fun of Cornelius Fudge's name, too!  
  
Sorry, guys, I really did start this on Friday and fully intended to finish it yesterday too. But something unexpected came up and I had to babysit for the rest of the night. Sincerest apologies.  
  
From now on, I'll give my readers a link to something cool on the web they can do to amuse themselves while they wait for my next chapter, as some of you seem to be in agony in your reviews, lol. But that shall be at the end.  
  
And now, your feature presentation!  
  
***  
  
THE HEARING - even though the Wizengamot does way more talking than hearing  
  
Int: A dark, gloomy dungeon in a galaxy, far, far away, the rebel forces are…oops, sorry, on cruise control. Silly me, I almost introduced you to a good story instead of - well, this one!  
  
HARRY: GASP!  
  
GENTLE READERS: Does anyone ever actually gasp in real life?  
  
HARRY, totally oblivious to the last comment: Yup, everyone thought the Pensieve chapter in Goblet of Fire was totally boring, but soon you shall see it in a new light, because now we have a reappearance of the ROOM!  
  
GENTLE READERS, put off at being previously ignored: Radical.  
  
WARM, FUZZY VOICE: Hey, Harry! Have a Budweiser!  
  
HARRY: Okay, this time it wasn't me who didn't read the script. Really.  
  
WARM, FUZZY VOICE: My bad!  
  
COLD, HARD VOICE: Is this appropriately intimidating?  
  
HARRY: Uh, yeah, I guess so. Jeez, why doesn't someone do something funny!  
  
COLD, HARD VOICE: I tried, man, I tried. So anyway, you're late.  
  
HARRY: I, uh, didn't know about the time change. Well, duh. Why am I even TRYING to explain myself?  
  
COLD, HARD VOICE: Isn't it great how we can abuse our power to screw up your life and make you the underdog in this trial? I love being in the WiZENguhmutt. WizenGAMMOTT. WIZenguhmutt. Whysendgrayknot?  
  
HARRY: …  
  
COLD, HARD VOICE: Pull up a chair, Harry! I mean, uh, take your seat, bottom-of-shoe scum.  
  
HARRY: Nice touch.  
  
COLD, HARD VOICE: Thanks. I practiced it for twenty minutes in front of my dressing room mirror.  
  
HARRY: It really shines…in a, uh, bottom-of-shoe scum way of course.  
  
COLD, HARD VOICE: Exactly.  
  
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: Can we reveal the voice's identity yet? I'm tired of typing a long phrase like "cold, hard voice" in all caps.  
  
COLD, HARD VOICE: Your name is longer than mine! And anyway, my identity is never clarified.  
  
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: Muhahaha! It is now! You shall now be know as, Cornelius Fudge!  
  
THE REAL FUDGE(Sounds like a brand name!): I'm too stupid to have a cold, hard voice.  
  
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: Shut up, moron. The man with the funky voice is taking over your character now. Go elsewhere, and stick some scissors up your nose while you're at it.  
  
THE REAL FUDGE: Done!  
  
(He EXITS. Several seconds later, BLOODCURDLING WAILS are heard.)  
  
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: Oh gosh, he actually did it. Medic! Wait, never mind. He can take care of himself. Or better yet, maybe he can't. We had better lengthen the New Fudge's contract.  
  
HARRY: Um, I'm over HERE, in the chair with chains, waiting for my questioning!  
  
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: Shut up. Our banter is actually humorous. I could probably go fetch Fudge's scissors, though, if you insist upon being dull.  
  
(HARRY is too FREAKED to reply.)  
  
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: So anyway, New Fudge, take the old Fudge's (Eeww, old fudge!) spot on the hovering bench thing.  
  
NEW FUDGE: WHAT? That isn't in the contract!  
  
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: Why does it matter?  
  
NEW FUDGE: HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET UP THERE?  
  
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: Oh, right. Well, sit on the floor or something! Having dirt on the seat of your hideous robes can't possibly make them look any worse.  
  
ASSORTED "PEEPS": Soooo ANYWAY, we're the WissenguhMOTT! Widenjee -  
  
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: Uh, yeah, that's enough.  
  
THE WHATEVERMUTT, terrified of scissors: Sorry.  
  
HARRY: Can I talk yet?  
  
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: Maybe.  
  
HARRY: Meep. Oh look, it's Percy! Hey, Percy!  
  
PERCY THE SNOT: I was crazy about you six months ago, now I think you're just crazy. Watch me turn my nose up at you!  
  
(PERCY carries out his PROMISE.)  
  
HARRY: Wow, I'm so, uh, intimidated.  
  
NEW FUDGE: So anyway, let's uh, get this show on the road.  
  
(THE NEW FUDGE reads off a lot of CRUD that EVERYONE already KNOWS. The GENTLE READERS are astonished that he does not STUMBLE OVER THE WORDS. He then lists the MEMBERS of the GAMUTT DUDES. The DEVOUT FANS are taking notes.)  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Ahem. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, here to save the day!  
  
(The GENTLE READERS are in awe. The man is SO AWESOME he has THREE MIDDLE NAMES. The DEVOUT FANS CHEER.)  
  
THE WIZZENPEOPLE: Meep.  
  
FUDGE: Would you, uh, like a chair, Albus?  
  
DUMBLEDORE: No, that's fine, I can conjure up one on my own. I'm awesome like that. And they won't just be those lousy metal folding chairs, they'll be squishy armchairs. Maybe, uh, you'd like one too?  
  
FUDGE: I'm afraid not. This floor is actually, very, uh, good for my back.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Right.  
  
FUDGE: So anyway, Harry here has been a very bad boy. Conjuring a Patronus to ward off dementors! Tsk, tsk! By the way, you are Harry Potter, right?  
  
HARRY: Duh.  
  
FUDGE: And this is your second offense?  
  
HARRY: Yeah, but I can -  
  
FUDGE: Shut up! We're condemning you!  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Uh, I can vouch for Harry about that first offense.  
  
FUDGE: Um, never mind! He's cleared of that one! Now about that Patronus…  
  
BONES: You've actually conjured a Patronus?  
  
HARRY: Only for A YEAR AND A HALF!  
  
BONES: Impressive.  
  
FUDGE: Hey, Harry's obvious amazing power is not relevant to this trial! And no, I'm not jealous because I've never conjured even a mist of a Patronus in my life! In fact, the better Patronus the worse the crime!  
  
PERCY: Ohhh yeah!  
  
HARRY: And what, you think I conjured it because I was bored? There were dementors, morons!  
  
(The WHATEVER PEOPLE all act SHOCKED.)  
  
FUDGE: Yeah. Dementors. Right. That's too logical for me to approve.  
  
UMBRIDGE: Hem, hem.  
  
(All the REPEAT READERS look MURDEROUS.)  
  
FROG FACE: All I have to say is that I did not send those dementors after Harry. Nope. No way.   
  
DUMBLEDORE: I am the bomb.  
  
GENTLE READERS: AMEN!  
  
DUMBLEDORE: I can prove that there were dementors, whether she sent them or not.  
  
GENTLE READERS: Gee, I wonder…  
  
(ENTER MRS. FIGG)  
  
MRS. FIGG: Hi. Though I'm obviously a can of mixed nuts, I gotta say, there were dementors.  
  
PERCY: I'm convinced.  
  
FUDGE: My butt hurts. He's cleared!  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Great. I'm OUTTA HERE!  
  
***  
  
I have a feeling this chapter wasn't very funny, but then again, there wasn't a whole lot to make fun of. I tried to put in some shut-ups for Princess-Perfect. I also mixed up the sequence of events a little bit for humor's sake, sorry about that.  
  
Reviewer Responses:  
  
Soupie - Sorry, I must have given you burnt one. *evil grin* One lolly, coming right up! I hope you're satisfied, cos if you're not, I'm going to sing the good ship song again.  
  
Lilsmartass - Reading fan fiction in math class? Oh you naughty girl you! Sorry, it's the math nerd in me. I bet you didn't even know I had a math nerd in me, did you? Yup. His name is Harold. Okay, even I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.  
  
JuicyJuice - Love your name. Thanks for reviewing twice, that always amazes me when people do that! Amen to the R/H thing. H/G too! I've written some stuff on Neopets before, if you're really interested I'll provide a link. I have an idea for my next fiction, but it will be original, and not begun for a long time. I want to finish this up first. If you're interested in that fiction though, again, I will provide a link at the appropriate time.  
  
Oricon - OMG! I'm on your favorite stories list! That made me feel so special. :-D  
  
Link of the Week:  
  
http://www.the-leaky-cauldron.org  
  
The Leaky Cauldron - the best source for all HP news! I go there like five times daily!  
  
Okay, well that's it until next Friday. Everyone who has read this far, please review! I still have those scissors. :-D Bye! 


	10. Chapter 9

Wow, I think I've just set a new record for lateness and unreliability. I would like to thank all the reviewers, who motivated me to get back here. This chapter took FOREVER to write, though it is mostly my fault. I just hope you've stuck around, cos I love all of you guys. Yes, even the ones that hate my story. I would be more specific, but this computer doesn't have internet access right now (will have to post this chapter using another comp), so I can't reread my reviews. Oh yeah, and quickie note - FFN didn't like me enclosing actions in stars, so now they're in bold instead. I don't really like it, but oh well.  
  
P.S. I tried to lay off a little bit on the random caps here - they were beginning to irritate me.  
  
P.P.S. I'm dedicating this one to Noriko M. Chijinu, for persistently requesting the crap I turn out. You're mostly responsible for my return. Also, SpoonSockSpork12, pioneer of the repeat reviewing. Who needs proofreading when you can just review OVER and OVER? God bless you.

* * *

THE WOES OF MRS. WEASLEY's cleaning up after several dozen children (Hey, it feels like it!) and SNAPE (Does he count as a child?)  
Int: Creepy, unused, waste-of-space dungeon

(HARRY is SHOCKED)  
HARRY: I'm shocked.  
(The TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR has SCISSORS)  
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: I have scissors.  
HARRY: What did you want, Hamlet's Soliloquy?  
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: Three words would have been nice.  
HARRY: Fine. I am shocked.  
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: **groan** Moving on...  
HARRY: To quote Dumbledore, I'm OUTTA HERE!  
(HARRY enters the creepy, unused, waste-of-space DUNGEON CORRIDOR)  
MR. WEASLEY: What TOOK you so long?! I mean, did you get off?  
HARRY: Yeah. You sound really worried too.  
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: Hey, his acting is better than YOURS!  
(HARRY is PUT OUT. MR. WEASLEY STICKS OUT his tongue at him. The WIZIDUDES are leaving the COURTROOM)  
MR. WEASLEY: Galloping gargoyles, Gary -  
HARRY: Harry.  
MR. WEASLEY: - you were tried by the full court!  
HARRY: Yeah. They were climbing over each other for the opportunity to condemn me. Then Dumbledore showed up.** satisfied grin**  
MR. WEASLEY: I'm trying to pretend as if Percy isn't my son but failing miserably because its obvious to everyone who can see that we're related from our traffic-cone hair! deep breath  
HARRY: Couldn't have put it better myself.  
MR. WEASLEY: Okay, let's hit the road! **giggles** I love using Muggle sayings!  
HARRY: Um...oh look, there's Lucius.  
MR. WEASLEY: Well, fancy seeing you here, LUCIUS.  
HARRY: It is SO CUTE how you snarl his name!  
(LONG PAUSE)  
LUCIUS: HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!  
MR. WEASLEY: Umm...yeah...we'd really love to chat, Lucius, but there's a regurgitating toilet I really must attend to, so, bye!  
LUCIUS: Where do you think you're going? I have to spend some quality time with my favorite scarface!  
HARRY: I'm honored.  
LUCIUS, sweetly: So, Harry, how was your trial?  
HARRY: Uh, good.  
LUCIUS: And you got off?  
HARRY: Uh, yeah, that's why it was good...I think I should "spend some quality time" with YOU now. What the HECK are you DOING here?  
LUCIUS: Did you just say_ doing_? (Another cookie oppurtunity for the gentle readers)  
TPA: SCRIPT!  
LUCIUS: Right...Harry DARLING, I do believe that's none of your business. I'm merely fond of visiting high-ranking ministry officials with large quantities of gold.  
HARRY: Duly noted.  
LUCIUS: Well then, my plot-advancing business here is done. Ta-ta!  
MR. WEASLEY: Ugh, he is such a SNEAK!  
HARRY: Ummm...okay.  
MR. WEASLEY: He is the source of all evil!  
HARRY: Right...why are we still talking about him?  
MR. WEASLEY: Harry, you don't understand. My life is regurgitating toilets. Malfoy's like the most interesting thing I know.  
Int: OotP HQ

HARRY: That was fast.  
MR. WEASLEY: That's the best part of being in a book, Harry! You leave half an inch of blank page space and you can travel thousands of miles in it.  
HARRY: YOU MEAN HE DIDN'T REALLY GO AROUND THE WORLD IN EIGHTY DAYS?  
MR. WEASLEY: Umm...well.  
(HARRY'S childhood memories are DESTROYED)  
RON: So you got off?  
HARRY: Yuppo.  
RON: "Yuppo??"  
HARRY: Trying to add some spice to my dialogue. Sorry, won't do it again.  
GINNY: I'm taking this opportunity to show off the New Ginny!  
H/G SHIPPERS: ...whom Harry will soon fall in love with!  
MR. WEASLEY: Well, everybody, I've got a date with a toilet. Bye!  
(He LEAVES)  
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: Oh no, they're EATING! Meals are impossible to parody!  
SEVERAL DAYS LATER.  
HERMIONE: I wanna play psychiatrist! Sirius is lonely.  
HARRY AND RON: Shut up, Hermione! As males we must be very ignorant to this sort of thing! It's plot-convenient too!  
MRS. WEASLEY: Do some cleaning! Nar!  
RON: I feel like a house-elf.  
(HERMIONE's eyes LIGHT UP)  
RON: No, Hermione. Just no.  
HERMIONE: Aww.  
R/H SHIPPERS: AWWW!  
LAST DAY OF "HOLIDAYS".  
RON: You've got mail!  
HARRY: Well, that was just weird. Oh well, I GOT MAIL!! Yay! **seizes letter** Aww...it's just a booklist! That and toothpicks from the Dursleys are all I ever get!  
RON: You'll get over it. Hey lookie, I'm a prefect!  
TWISTED PARODY AUTHOR: NOOOOOOOO!! **buries head in arms and sobs** I'm sorry, Harry! I won't make fun of your anger problems any more!  
(The TPA becomes too CHOKED UP to continue)  
HARRY: Hey! I don't have anger problems! Grr.  
(RON backs away SLOWLY. FRED and GEORGE arrive for some comic relief as most of the GENTLE READERS weep over their books)  
GRED AND FORGE: Wow Ron! We'll have to banish you from the family like Percy!  
(EVERYONE glares at them)  
F&G: Sorry. Our bad. But anyway, we were sure Dumbledore would pick you Harry! You must feel REALLY ROTTEN!  
(Enter HERMIONE)  
HERMIONE: Congratulations Harry!  
F&G: Wow! You must feel even MORE ROTTEN!  
(HARRY decides to take the HIGH ROAD and try to be HAPPY for RON, or at least PRETEND to try. Just then the R/HR SHIPPERS realize all the "special time" RON and HERMIONE will be spending together on "prefect duties" and SQUEAL)  
MRS. WEASLEY: AIIEEE!  
R/HR SHIPPERS: Hey! We're supposed to be doing that!  
TPA: It's a GOOOOOD ship, LOLLIPOP! It's a SWEEEET TRIP, to the CANDY SHOP!  
EVERYONE: SHUT UP!  
MRS. WEASLEY: Man, what do you have to do to get some attention around here?  
(EVERYONE, including the TPA, STIFFENS and turns to her)  
GRED AND FORGE: You have our full and undivided attention.  
TPA: **mutters** That's novel.  
MRS. WEASLEY: So...who made prefect?  
HERMIONE: I did!  
(She is utterly IGNORED)  
HERMIONE: ...and RON!  
MRS. WEASLEY: Shut UP!  
RON: No, really, mum!  
MRS. WEASLEY: RONNIE!  
(She proceeds to KISS him REPEATEDLY. Even HERMIONE, who's supposed to be IN LOVE with him, looks slightly NAUSEOUS.)  
MRS. WEASLEY: So, what'll it be?  
RON (unblinkingly): A broomstick.  
HERMIONE: I smell foreshadowing.  
MRS. WEASLEY: Of course you can have a broomstick!** insert obscure euphemisms used to express happiness here  
**(She abruptly bursts into TEARS. Every male in the room reflects upon how STRANGE women really are. FRED AND GEORGE, who, in eight hundred and seventy pages are the ONLY ones who realize that RON and HERMIONE are IN LOVE, make fun of them gently and then DISAPPARATE so HARRY can start being ANGRY)  
HARRY: **eyelid twitches**  
(HARRY'S ears start SMOKING)  
RON: I'm going to...to, uh...to tell mum what kind of um, broomstick I want.  
(RONNIE runs out of the room)  
HERMIONE: **wondering if someone will listen to her now** So, may I borrow Hedwig?  
HARRY: Yes, of course! I'm soo friggin happy! Do whatever you like with her! Anything goes now!  
(His EYELID twitches SEVERAL MORE times. HERMIONE knows he is an EGOMANIAC, but no one is listening to her ANYWAY, so she leaves HARRY to figure it out on his OWN. However, it only gets WORSE. The GENTLE READERS brace themselves)  
HARRY: **snort **Ron's such a moron.  
ALL THE WEASLEY LOVERS: That's IT!  
(The WEASLEY LOVERS slam shut their BOOKS, and hold off from opening them again for about THIRTY SECONDS. The other GENTLE READERS are kind of PROUD of them. HARRY gets something of a GRIP on himself and knocks off the CRAP. RON returns, and being as COOL as he is, does not RUB IT IN at all, even though he has been OVERSHADOWED by his more STUPID best friend for his entire CAREER at Hogwarts. JKR has the characters KILL TIME until MRS. WEASLEY returns)  
MRS. WEASLEY: Please don't unwrap the broom.  
(RON salutes her and she EXITS. Ron UNWRAPS THE BROOM. He is EXTREMELY ECSTATIC. HARRY, being the FIFTH WHEEL of the book, is NOT happy for him. HERMIONE pops back into the NARRATIVE as they go downstairs to a PARTY, so that the GENTLE READERS can mourn leaving almost all of the BEST CHARACTERS behind to go to HOGWARTS)  
MRS. WEASLEY: Alastor...(The GENTLE READERS GROAN to see a cool name like MAD-EYE go unused.) would you look at something in the drawing room for us?  
MAD-EYE: But of course.  
(He DOESN'T MOVE)  
MAD-EYE: Yup, it's a boggart.  
(JKR suddenly goes into a COUGHING FIT)  
JKR: Sorry...sorry, choked on all the foreshadowing...I'm cool now.  
(MOODY continues to FRIGHTEN everyone with his RESOUNDING PARANOIA, which apparently covers a wide RANGE of subjects, including PREFECTS, much to RON'S disappointment)  
MOODY: I knew a prefect once...he was BRUTALLY MURDERED!  
RON: REALLY?  
MOODY: No, but it freaks 'em out every year.  
(There is a TOAST as more GREAT CHARACTERS arrive, and TONKS makes everything BETTER, even managing to make HARRY happy. All of the H/G SHIPPERS ignore this, HOWEVER, as there is a description of a HAPPY GINNY from HARRY'S point of view, which is CONCLUSIVE PROOF that they are also IN LOVE. HARRY learns that JAMES was not a prefect either, and he feels even HAPPIER as the DEVOUT FANS take notes. The other characters proceed to be really IN CHARACTER, so of course that part is omitted from this parody because being in character is PROHIBITED. MRS. WEASLEY leaves the PARTY and the TPA is finally allowed to CLOSE PARENTHESES)  
MOODY: Lookit this photo, Harry! Most everyone in it is dead or worse! Isn't it cool! It's even got your mum and dad being nice to the man who killed em!  
(HARRY leaves the party. The GENTLE READERS are freaked out by MRS. WEASLEY'S boggart - the death of several fave characters. It WRAPS UP with an image of Dead!Harry, which a few of the GENTLE READERS are surprised to find themselves ENJOYING. Lupin shows up and REMINDS us why we all love him by being SWEET and UNDERSTANDING. The chapter DRAWS TO A CLOSE on an OMINOUS note, and the TPA is STUNNED to realize she actually COMPLETED this one.)

* * *

I know, I think it was my worst yet. I think you can tell where I picked up again after several months, as it stopped being remotely funny. Hopefully a little more practice and I'll get back into that off-key humor that my beloved critics have come to hate. I'm not going to give any deadlines for the next chapter, because I really don't know. I just want you readers to know that I'm thinking of you, though, even if it takes me THREE YEARS to publish the next installment! (Sound familiar?)


	11. Help!

Hi everybody! I haven't got as many reviews for the latest chapter as I had hoped, but I guess that's what I get for not updating for nine months, huh?  
  
Sorry if I panicked anybody, but this isn't really an update. When I write chapter eleven I'll use it to overwrite this. I just wanted to tell everyone that I'm looking for a beta-reader for my new fiction I'm working on now that Froze Over is done. In it a lot of main characters go to Disney World for - let me capitalize this - VERY STUPID REASONS. However, I am trying to be a little bit in character which is why I'm seeking help. Hopefully I could get a title suggestion too. Anyway, if you're interested, leave me an email address and I'll get back to ya. I'm almost done with the first chapter (which is HUGE) so hopefully someone will respond to this!  
  
Thanks for your time,  
Nepenthe 


End file.
